Flowers and Machinery

Deep breath.

2010-05-07T10:00:00.005-03:00

Sometimes...I don't know if I'm ready for baby #2. Sometimes I don't know if I want baby #2. The thing is, I really wasn't sure I wanted more children & over the course of Oliver's almost 2 years of life I swung back & forth like a pendulum thinking about adding a fourth to our family of three. Three is a nice tidy number, especially when two of those three are humans capable of brushing their own teeth & putting their pants on all by themselves. But now there will be two small creatures with only one adult to take care of them for a solid 8 hours of the day. That adult being me.

I wish I wasn't terrified. I wish the thought of sweet baby snuggles & eventual smiles & coos were enough to push away the dark clouds of doubt that are hovering just high enough above my head that I can smell the dampness. I know, a lot of women go through this. Wondering how on earth they can care for a newborn & meet the needs of a demanding toddler. But it's so much more than that. I want each of my children to feel they're getting enough quality time. I'm afraid I'll fall into the deep despair of post pardum depression as I did after Oliver was born. I'm afraid I'll lose it...& yet I'm still 5 months away from giving birth.

But then I DO think of soft pink squishy skin & little fingers & toes. Of tiny socks & onesies. Warm baby breath on my neck. & sometimes I feel, even for a fleeting second, that maybe everything will be alright.

Via weheartit

Mend, mend heart & soul.

2010-04-24T13:34:00.002-03:00

My baby boy is sick in bed. There's nothing worse than seeing your child miserable, no matter it's just from the common cold. The innate, fierce love we feel as parents is something that I'm not sure I'll ever full understand. I'll just let it carry me through the moments, whether joyful or sad...because it's what being a parent is all about.

It's been a great couple of weeks, shaping up to be better still for the next to come. Stressful but wonderful. We finally found a place of our own, a real beauty. We "officially" move in exactly 7 days. I'm almost crying just thinking about it. I like solitude, I like my own space, I like to get lost in daydreams without interruption. At 30 years old, I never thought I'd live under someone else's roof again. It was a learing experience & I take with me many lessons when we leave this place.

& now off to enjoy Saturday sun & wait for my boy to wake up!

On the hunt.

2010-03-11T13:46:00.002-04:00

We're more seriously looking for our own place now. We went to see a 3 bedroom apartment this morning & it was the filthiest dwelling inhabited by humans I have ever seen. I know they're moving out in a couple of weeks, so we expected a mess [ie. boxes, clutter] but this place was caked in dirt & cobwebs & dust. The toilet looked like it had never been scrubbed. The floors like they'd never been swept. The landlord was mortified, kept apologizing & said she wishes she could take us to her home to show us she doesn't keep her house like this & I tried to assure her that how her tenants kept their home did not reflect on her. She said she'd have us back to look, either after telling them they have to clean up or cleaning it herself.

The apartment did have some good points. A nice entry w/ lots of storage for shoes & such. French doors in the living room. Laminate in 3 rooms. Double sink & LOTS of cabinet space. An eating nook. Plenty of other closets for storage. We didn't get to see the master, however, as the tenant was still there & had forgot we were coming so 10 minutes into our viewing she comes into the kitchen, bleary eyed from sleep saying "I thought I heard voices" & then tells us she'll go get dressed & then we can see the rest of the place...15 minutes later & she hadn't returned from her room, so we just left. Awkward.

Apartment hunting kinds of sucks.

Baby on board.

2010-03-09T21:20:00.003-04:00

Quite a shocker. On February 20th I took a pregnancy test & yesiree, those are two lines you're seeing. Baby #2 due at the end of October. This was unplanned, unexpected but obviously meant to be.

You were meant for me.

2010-03-09T21:11:00.004-04:00

Another case of planet alignment. I saw a pair of gorgeous patent Betsey Johnson flats MONTHS ago but just couldn't afford the $100 price tag. A month or so later they were marked down to $69, a great deal but still too much for me. Another month went by...$45! I was SO tempted to snatch them up, but that little bargain hunter voice inside told me to wait it out, that a better deal was to be had. Then a few weeks ago, what do you know?! $35! Final mark down! I bought those babies & left the store feeling amazing. I saved myself $65. This, my friends, is how I conquer the world.

Small blessings.

2010-01-12T22:04:00.002-04:00

Just realized that, after two days of pain, my knee seems fine.

Laughter is the best medicine.

2010-01-09T21:34:00.004-04:00

I'd been feeling down for a couple of days now. I hate that feeling; like the scales are tipped & I'm desperate to balance them out again. Tipped to one side: gloriously happy to the point of lunacy. The other side: sad, or angry, or whatever options equal the opposite of happy. Balanced: Perfect emotional harmony.

What could drag me out of this funk? I didn't know the answer. I never do. Although it sometimes just eases away & everything is balanced again, it's usually something simple & unexpected that pulls me from misery's clutches. This time, it was the film It's Complicated.

I'd actually heard not so great things about the film. That there were only a couple of truly funny scenes, that it was boring. I respect other people's opinions, but I'm a big believer in seeing for yourself what floats your boat, especially when it comes to movies. So my mother-in-law & myself ventured out tonight to an early showing & boy, am I glad we did! It's not hard to adore Meryl Streep. She's an amazing actress, pretty much perfection in every role she takes on. But I have to say, I'm enamored moreso with the body of work she's created in her later years rather than her early [but still brilliant] stuff. She was fabulous as Jane, a divorced woman in her 50's struggling with rekindled feelings for her ex-husband. I won't ruin the plot [although I take it you can gather what it is for yourself from the previews alone], but the movie is laced with great comedy, physical & verbal. John Krasinski is wonderful as Jane's soon to be son-in-law Harley...he really made the movie for me. Although I don't agree with infidelity, the sweetness of what the two main characters were trying to recapture, the lingering what-ifs, the issues their children faced due to the divorce...not only was the movie funny & sweet, but it was probably pretty realistic [although I never been in any of the situations myself].

I don't think I've laughed so hard at a movie in a long time. The whole theatre erupted in a chorus of belly laughs & giggles every few minutes, it seemed. It was nice to feel uplifted by laughter, a part of a group of people sharing the same experience, feeling joy at the same moments. I left the theatre lighter, my heart less heavy, my face still plastered with a giddy smile. Thank goodness for good movies.

Sweet disposition.

2010-01-08T12:21:00.006-04:00

It's one of the best friends a girl could ever have's birthday today. My Joline has hiked to the summit of 30. An incredible journey & one worthy of major celebration. The past few years have been super important & wonderful on her life path & I couldn't be more proud of all that she's done & accomplished. While she claims she couldn't have weathered some tough times without me, I think it was she who was my shoulder to lean on [& cry on] when I was in my darkest days.

Happy birthday my beautiful friend! The world truly is your oyster.

Please don't stop the music.

2010-01-07T23:31:00.007-04:00

Music is a lifeline for me. It feeds my soul, frees me, is a stress reducer. I know I'm not alone. Every memory, every story I can recall is connected to a song...whether one was playing & honestly intertwined with the event or I've added music of my liking in my own head.

I have a tattoo of a cassette tape on my right forearm. I'm often asked of the meaning. There are many answers. First & simplest: I adore music. But more in depth, I grew up in a generation where mix-tapes were the equivalent to playlists...with all the pesky rewinding & fast forwarding. I would sit beside my "ghetto blaster", "stereo", "tape deck" & listen intently to the radio, waiting patiently for my sought after song to be played. When Patrick & I began dating we often made mix tapes to play in his beat up old Chevy. Then, on our one year anniversary I made a mix tape of OUR special songs. We still have it kicking around somewhere. Those moments of total freedom, driving around the valley without a care in the world or an actual destination, were some of the best moments of my life. More often than not when I reminisce about them, I get teary. Tears not because they have come & gone, but because I am truly blessed to have such special, honest, simple moments to call my own. To have a love that has weathered time & trials & come out on the other end tough as nails.

I want to remember the simple times, strive for them again & always be grateful for the love I have in my life...the love of my husband & the love I have for music.

Courtesy of wehearit

It feels good...yeaaaah.

2010-01-04T23:29:00.003-04:00

You know what feels good? Buying anything marked 75% off.

I love this time of year...new beginnings & wrapping paper for $1. In the past week I have purchased enough wrapping paper, ribbon, gift boxes, cards & tissue to keep me stocked for at LEAST 30 years. At least, people. I thoroughly enjoy walking to the register, rolls of wrap under each arm, clunking them down on the counter & seeing them ring up for so little compared to their pre-Christmas price. All I can think of in that moment is of all the suckers our there who paid $3.99 for the exact same roll of wrap printed with miniature reindeer & stoned looking Santas. & I walk out, feeling pretty high & mighty, pretty proud. Ah yes...victory [& wrapping paper] is mine.

Time after time.

2009-12-31T20:42:00.007-04:00

Courtesy of weheartit

2009,
I was ready to rip you a new one. I've been saying for the past week that I can't wait for you to end, that it was a horrible year. But upon further reflection, I realize I'm wrong. Yes, you were tough on me. Yes, you tested me in more ways than I can count...yes, you had me in tears on countless occasions...but yet you gave me some of the most beautiful memories a girl could ask for.

I watched a boy that's part me grow up, from a baby to a toddler, curious & cute as a button. I realized what great friends I have [even though I think I take them for granted]. I was witness to the kindness of strangers. I felt my faith in myself take a hike, but start it's journey home again.

They say the sweet is never as sweet without the sour. Although next year I can live with a little less sour, I hope that it's just as sweet, if not sweeter than the year before it. 2010, be good to me. Hold my hand. Guide me. Challenge me, but be gentle. I just may be singing your praises when you're done :)

Love life.

2009-12-17T10:58:00.016-04:00

Courtesy of weheartit

Just a little couples quiz to celebrate our relationship :)

♥ What are your middle names?
Donny & Marie [Well, his middle name is actually Donald, but I think Donny & Marie sounds cuter ;)]

♥ How long have you been together?
Almost 14 years! Yikes!

♥ How did you meet?
I moved back to the valley from Toronto. I was the new girl at his high school, one of his female friends kind of befriended me my first day & introduced me to her friends in the cafeteria...he was one of those friends.

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Almost 2 months. We talked at school & a LOT through e-mail.
We had internet monikers...I was cyberkitty [don't ask me why]
& he was cyberfro.

♥ Who asked who out?
He asked if I wanted to do "the boyfriend/girlfriend thing", lol.

♥ How old are each of you?
I'm 30, he's 31.

♥ Do you have any children together?
Yes, our amazing son Oliver, 17 months:

♥ What about pets?
No pets now, although we did have a hamster a few months ago.
I can't wait to have a dog & Patrick would love some chickens, hehe.

♥ Did you go to the same school?
We went to the same high school for about 4-5 months until he graduated.

♥ Are you from the same home town?
Yes, which is nice.

♥ Who is the smartest?
I think we're both extremely intelligent, but on totally different subjects.
He's an art nerd & is more business savvy, I'm a total pop-culture geek & know a lot of completely useless information. & I'm better with computer stuff.

♥ Who is the most sensitive?
That's a no-brainer...moi.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We don't eat out a lot...shocking, considering I have so much weight to lose. But when we do eat out we really like a nice sit-down atmospheric place...or a good pub. Fast food wise, I dig Burger King while he's into A&W.

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
About a 5 hour drive, between the valley & Saint John, New Brunswick.

♥ Who has the worst temper?
He does. He doesn't have much of one, but I think he bottles stuff up until he explodes, whereas I let it alllllllll out all the time, which isn't good either :/

♥ Who does the cooking?
It goes back & forth...when we were first married I did, then he did most of the cooking for many years, then I was doing a lot for a while & now it's a good balance. In 2010 I hope to brush up on my culinary skills & be more adventurous when it comes to cooking.

♥ Who is more social?
Patrick. I'm more of a homebody & I get nervous meeting new people.

♥ Who is the neat-freak?
Def. me. I can't stand clutter, dirt, mess. He is very neat in his appearance...not that I'm a slob, but I find most moms of a toddler look a little disheveled ;)

♥ Who is the more stubborn?
We're both super stubborn. Our son has inherited this trait ;)

♥ Who hogs the bed?
Neither of us, thank goodness. I need my space in bed. Luckily we have a queen.

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
We take turns getting up with our son, so we each get chances to sleep in.

♥ Where was your first date?
The movies. We saw "Up close & personal". It was awkward, there were butterflies. The perfect & typical teenage first date.

♥ Who has the bigger family?
I def. have a larger family as a whole, but his family spends more time together so his FEELS bigger.

♥ Favorite memories?
Hanging out in the halls in high school. Driving in his first car. Living in our first apartment & discovering a new city. Road trips. Our wedding. Our son's birth.

♥ Do you get flowers often?
Unfortunately, no. Even though I adore flowers. My hubby needs to work on that ;)

♥ How do you spend the holidays?
Since he is an only child & I'm the eldest of 4, we spend the holidays with his family, but get visits in with mine.

♥ Who is more jealous?
Neither of us are super jealous, but I think he is probably slightly more the jealous type.

♥ How long did it take to get serious?
I think we knew we were really falling for each other within a matter of weeks. I vividly remember when we said that we loved one another.

♥ Who eats more?
We both love food..I think we both eat around the same amount, but he eats healthier things while I lean towards junk food. Bad me.

♥ Who does/ did the laundry?
I am the doer of the laundry. It's not so bad.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?
He used to be a computer whiz, but it's now me :)

♥ Who drives when you are together?
I don't have my license, so he does. Safer that way ;) But I have every intention of getting behind the wheel within the next couple of years.

♥ Who plays an instrument?
Sadly, neither of us. We both LOVE music & I love to sing, but I think we both wish we would have learned to play piano or guitar earlier in life. It's never too late, I guess.

♥ Do you share the same taste in music?
For the most part. I think we both have varied musical tastes, but mainly indie stuff.

♥ Who exercises more?
He does. He goes for a run several times a week. While I....do not, haha. But I'm working on that & have gone for a walk 3 times this week ;) You can check out my weight loss/cooking/fitness blog here.

♥ Who eats better?
He does, but I'm getting better. I actually think we both eat heaps better than the diets I see of the people around me, which is scary.

♥ Who's more romantic?
I wouldn't say either of us are super romantic. I've tried...& I think my idea of romance now is buying him little things I think he'd enjoy, like a favorite magazine that's just hit stands or a dvd he's been lusting over. It's not that I think romance is overrated...I enjoy all things romantic, but after 14 years together & with a 1 1/2 year old, it's not as easy as it once was. But I think it's something our relationship needs & something I hope we'll work on in 2010.

♥ Who wears the pants in the relationship?
I think you'd get a different answer depending on which one of us you asked, hehe. I probably do, but I know that treads on his manly toes...so it's hard. I know I'm a very strong & strong-willed woman, whereas I know he'd LIKE to be the "boss" of the family...I think we "share" the pants depending on the situation. Isn't that ideal anyway?

♥ Who snores loudest?
He does. Def. the snorer out of the two of us. It was so bad at one point that I had to wear earplugs to bed every night, became 'addicted' to total silence & peace & still have to wear them to sleep. Bad habit.

♥ Is there anything you both share/enjoy?
We're both foodies. We both like watching movies & we have a few of the same favorite tv shows, so we enjoy watching those together. We're both really sentimental, esp. when it comes to our son & music.

♥ Who takes more pictures?
Me, I'm the photographer of the family. I actually had my own photography business for a while, but that's on hold.

♥ Who cries the most?
No brainer...I do. But my husband can tear up at a sappy song, a sweet commercial or part in a movie. He's a big softie, a huge reason I fell for him.

Blessed.

2009-12-08T10:08:00.002-04:00

I want to give thanks for all the blessings I have in my life. Thanksgiving is long over, but every day is the perfect day to feel blessed for all the wonderful things in your life.

I feel blessed that I'm healthy. I have weight to lose, but my health is good & for that I am grateful. I want to work on this aspect of my life in the coming year & be/feel even healthier than I currently am.

I have a gorgeous son who brings me joy each & every day. He's healthy, happy, full of energy.

My husband is my best friend. He knows every strength, every weakness. Our marriage isn't perfect, it's flawed & rough around the edges at times & I wouldn't want it any other way. Love isn't perfect.

I feel passionate about many things...things I hope to get back to in the New Year. Photography, writing, being creative in general. I want to try new things, embark on new projects. I want to feel inspired & I'm lucky I have the ability to do so.

We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, we're warm & will have a lovely Christmas with family. We're truly blessed in our lives...luckier than many.

A whole new era.

2009-11-25T16:36:00.005-04:00

We've been in Nova Scotia for almost a month. It's been a big change, one we're still growing accustomed to. We're going to slowly look for jobs, for a place to live. We're not feeling in any big hurry...we don't want to move when it's cold & there's snow on the ground. My in-laws are buying a new car & have kindly decided to give us their minivan, a Dodge Caravan. It's pretty much necessary to have a car in this area & we were planning to buy a used car in a few months, so this alleviates that completely & we're extremely grateful. That extra money can be saved for a new apartment or maybe a down payment on a house [eeeek!] .We currently don't need such a large vehicle, but in the future there might be another child to lug around, so it will be great!

Our days are currently spent going on walks, making dinner for the family, playing in the backyard, going to movies...it's been great having the extra family time we've been missing since Patrick went back to work from paternity leave in May. It'll be a big change when he [or we] go back to work :/

Decumentorating?

2009-10-08T10:38:00.002-03:00

I think that when we move into our new place in a few months [maybe more] I'm going to document with photos the before & afters & progress of decorating. Should be fun!

The great sofa debacle.

2009-10-02T17:21:00.005-03:00

Less than two years ago we bought a brand new sofa from a Canadian furniture store. This wouldn't be a major deal to most, but for us [well, me, being the home decor/design lover in this relationship] it was indeed a big deal. We had gotten by with a used sofa until that point but it was on it's last legs [literally, two of the legs were broken] & it was bubblegum pink & contrary to popular belief bubblegum pink does NOT go with everything. Okay when we were 20 & our decorating style was a colorful hodgepodge of movie posters & childhood knick knacks...but I longed for something a little more grown up, a little more suited to my newer sense of style.

In retrospect, we should not have purchased a light beige sofa. But this was before we were expecting & we weren't anticipating a human puke machine [at least not the extra pukey model]. Needless to say, there has been many a mishap on this sofa...baby vomit, baby pee & of course the human errors of spilled food & the like. Luckily we got the scotch guarding offered by the store, so it's always been as simple as calling the company, they'd send some product & most everything has come out with some gentle elbow grease. However, a board in the frame of the sofa came loose a couple of months ago & I finally got around to giving the store a call. They said they'd come pick it up Monday, fix it & return it Thursday. 3 days without a sofa would suck, but at least it'd be back for the onslaught of shows that is Thursday night TV.

Wrong.

It as delivered, as promised, Thursday afternoon. The guys brought it up, set it down in the living room & since I was wrangling Oliver & trying to keep him from making a beeline out the front door, I didn't get a chance to inspect it. Once the dust settled & I looked it over, I was shocked. There were huge grease stains on several parts of the sofa...I mean, these weren't hard to miss. In some spots it looked as if the delivery guys' hands were dirty while others I could not decipher how on earth they got there. Before I noticed the stains I actually quickly threw the cushions back on [which they did not take with for the repair, makes sense] & after I noticed the stains I started to inspect the sofa from top to bottom, removed the cushions to look at every nook & cranny & one of the cushions was now covered in TONS of black smeary stuff...almost as if something had been on the frame & got on it when I put the cushion in place. I was miffed. We'd already been 3 days without a sofa & now this?

I called the manager, he was accommodating but not super friendly. He said they'd come back, pick it up & take it in to have a look/clean it. He said he had no idea when we'd get it back. WHAT?! Called this morning & it was cleaned & I was told it would delivered this afternoon but the afternoon came & went & no sofa. I called, the delivery guys left late & it's now almost 6pm & we're still without a sofa. I'm not impressed.

I know mistakes happen but is it too much to ask to have your sofa repaired & returned in a timely manner without mishap?

Autumn's in the air.

2009-09-25T22:34:00.002-03:00

Alas, it's my favorite time of year. Crunchy leaves, cardigan weather, pumpkin scented everything. & let's not forget my since-I-can-remember love & obsession with Halloween. Even leading up to Autumn, I enjoy the smell of fresh school supplies & the fall line-up of TV shows old & new. While some view Spring as the season of new beginnings & rebirth, Fall holds that title for me.

So what better time to move. At the end of October we'll be leaving New Brunswick behind & moving back to our home base in Nova Scotia. We knew this day would come. We've lived here 9 years & although it'll be incredibly hard to move on [SJ was where we started our life as a married couple..our first apartment...our first child], it's time. Oliver should be closer to family & we've been growing weary of this place for a while. A new building owner & an astronomical rent increase was ultimately what's sent us packing at this particular time, but it was really a blessing in disguise. A final push.

We'll be staying with the in-laws until we get on our feet. The details on where Patrick will work, even if I'll go back to work, will all be figured out once we're there. We probably won't move into our own place until after Christmas, I presume. But I'm excited to begin again in a new home, hopefully a better home where Oliver can have a yard to run around in & we can have some more privacy.

Yes, I'm embracing autumn once again & all the change heading my way.

If you want to eat you have to know how to cook.

2009-09-21T11:15:00.002-03:00

I'm just going to ignore my absence. You do the same.

I think I'm feeling rather inspired by reading Julie & Julia, & therefore I have been cooking much more often. Last week alone I made a roast, creamy pesto pasta salad, lasagna, a delicious pasta dish I haven't quite named yet...tonight I'm making chicken ceasar salad w/ dressing from scratch [a favorite in this house] & have further culinary plans for the rest of the week [tacos, beef stroganoff, a shrimp stir-fry].

I know I'm nowehere near a master cook, but I'm working on getting better & trying my best to enjoy it.

Who was I kidding?

2009-07-11T23:22:00.003-03:00

I've never been good at this blogging stuff. Truth be told, I was always forgetful & I now have post-pregnancy brain. Yes, there is such a thing. Everyone talks about "pregnancy brain" but what they fail to tell you is that your brain cells, the ones sucked out of you by the spawn you're giving life to, fail to regenerate. Those brain cells are the ones that control memory & motor functions. Wave buh-bye. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning, let alone remember to update this blog on a regular basis. Oh well.

Onto other topics...

I think Oliver's nursery is finally reaching completion. It's only 11 months overdue. Oh, the nesting bug did indeed bite...but I'm always finding something that's just perfect for his room. Interior decorating is something I'm passionate about, even if the decor of my own home doesn't tickle the fancy of everyone else. I've recently purchased a rug, a toy bin & some wall art that fit so nicely in his room. I've always been proud of his room & the work that I did to make it cozy [& I say "I" because I really did do it all myself...besides the aforementioned painting]...but now, I stand back & think "Hand meet back. Now commence patting".

Not lost at sea

2009-05-26T22:23:00.003-03:00

Wow. Way to turn my back on you, hunh blogger? Sorry about that. Sometimes, life just gets in the way. I wouldn't be shocked if you chose never to speak to me again...er...let me log in again. So here's to apologies & burying the hatchet, yes? I thought so. You always were forgiving.

During my "hiatus" we took a trip to Nova Scotia & visited family. Hubs went back to work. We got hardwood floors &....a cell phone [Yes, we were the last people on the planet without portable means of communication...well, except for our laptops, I guess those count]. We've bought junk, sold junk. Had tons of BBQ's & watched too many movies.

The boy is now almost 10 months old. He's bad. Bad as any baby at this age, going through these sorts of developmental milestones. But why couldn't he have been refusing to nap, whining until my ears bleed & getting into absolutely everything BEFORE the husband went back to work?! Hey God...yeah, you...what the fuck?! The timing, if you had absolutely anything to do with, suck. SUCKS. If not, sorry about the cussing & accusations. Amen.

I shall picspam the crap out of this blog soon enough.

Toast. I smell burnt toast.

2009-03-12T09:12:00.004-03:00

I think only fellow Canadians will get the title. Ah well. I like toast. Toast with peanut butter or a little raspberry jam or even some marmalade when I'm in the mood.

Last summer we went to the large Paderno sale held at Harbour Station [aka the sale where they unload lots of faulty junk]. After browsing & debating egg holders & mini whisks & special spatulas that promise the perfect flipped pancake [okay, such an item did not exist, but a spatula that promised you could easily flip an egg or pancake without ruining it would be something I'd spend good money on!] we settled on a pretty white 4-slice toaster by Cuisinart. It could toast bread & bagels & had a warm setting, oh my! This was to be the biggest home upgrade we'd made since....well...ever.

Our old toaster was a wedding gift, 8 years prior. 8 years is a pretty long time to live with the same toaster. We wanted to look around, play the field a bit, see if there was anything better out there...but we felt guilty. The toaster had been so good to us...toasting our bread quite sufficiently, but there was no thrill left. & no promise of a perfectly toasted slice of bread. & dammnit, if my bagels weren't always getting stuck maybe things would have been different. We'd spent 8 good years with this toaster. It was time to move on.

So one day last June, we brought our shiny new white toaster home. Unpacked it. Set it on the counter. Plugged it in. & left the room. Who has toast at 4:30 in the afternoon?! The next morning I placed my bread ever so gently into the slots, pushed down the lever...pushed down the lever...pushed down the lever. The damn lever won't catch. It won't stay down. MY TOAST IS NOT TOASTING. [I probably did indeed yell this, as I was 8 months pregnant at the time & you try depriving a pregnant woman of whatever food it is she wants. Bitch'll cut you.] There was much cursing, banging, slamming of the toaster on the counter. Finally the leve would catch, but only after pushing it down about 10 times. Which equalled success to a hungry pregnant woman. I had FIXED the toaster. Hurrah!

It's 9 months later & the toaster is still the worst $30 I ever spent. The lever rarely catches, the toast takes forever to even brown & then once reaching the point of browness, takes a split second to burn to the point of the smoke detector going off. Every morning I look at it & snarl. I miss predictability. I miss toast I can count on. I miss my old toaster.

The moral of this story is: Last chance sales on things like small appliances, are last chance sales for a reason. I'm sure the company just needed to unload these toasters on unsuspecting bargain hunters. But more importantly, be happy with what you have. On your pursuit for something better you might not get lucky. Whether it's a toaster, coffee, moisturizer or a guy...you could end up worse off than you were to begin with. & find yourself digging through bags of trash for that which you're missing. Hopefully not for a guy...but you get what I'm saying.

I Drew, Drew you?

2009-03-09T22:32:00.007-03:00

One of my most favorite people on the entire planet graces the cover of the latest issue of W magazine.

I've been a fan of Drew for as long as I can remember. Drew Barrymore that is. Unless you've been living under a rock somewhere you probably know her entire life history. & have some sort of judgment about it, bad or good. To me she is the epitome of cool, compassion, brains & moxy...wrapped up in a package that can be sexy, casual, bohemian or chic...or all at the same time.

This latest photo shoot [by Mert Alas + Marcus Piggot] proves that she's still got it [& will always have it], as far as I'm concerned. Beauty & brains...now that's something for little girls to look up to :)

Snowmen

2009-03-09T22:23:00.005-03:00

My boys, enjoying some fresh winter air.

7 months.

2009-03-05T22:10:00.001-04:00

18 1/2 lbs & 28 inches long.

My baby is growing up. Each & every day I look at him & he's changed. It's small, so slight that if I didn't really look I might not notice it. But he's growing up, before my very eyes & I can't stop it. I'm extremely sentimental about motherhood, but I don't think I often let that side show. Not because I don't want to, but because there always seem to be so many other things to talk about, rather than just the sheer amazement of being a parent. There are new sounds [this week it's "mamama" & "dadada"] & there's sitting up & new giggles & a constant string of changes that I want to tuck away in a file in my brain named "Oliver's firsts". If only it were that easy.

All I know is every second it gets better. I really feel parenthood is something you sink into. It takes time. You aren't wonderful at it instantly, no matter what anyone says. There's is no perfect parent. We're all imperfect & quirky & riddled with either self doubt or guilt or maybe a mix of both. & I like it that way. Trying & striving to be better is what makes life interesting. All I know is, I want to let every second sink in, because in a flash it'll be gone...his doughy baby legs & gummy grins. They'll vanish & although be replaced with all new wonderful features & moments, entering into childhood...I'll miss this. Oh how I'll miss this.

Jon Plus 8?

2009-03-05T19:17:00.000-04:00

Confession time. I love Jon & Kate Plus 8. I just can't help it. I'm a reality show junkie in general, but for some reason this show in particular tickles my reality loving fancy. Maybe it's the cute Asian kids, maybe it's the fact that I have a tiny crush on Jon, maybe it's the fact that it seems both nothing & yet so much is happening simultaneously. Who knows really. I just know I'm glued.

There has been a lot of J&K+8 bashing in recent months. I rolled my eyes when I read that they get LOADS of help & J&K are probably rolling around naked in piles of bills, possibly in the back of that ginormous van of theirs. If the vans a rockin'...

The fact is, if it takes a village to raise a child, what sort of grouping of people does it take to raise eight? Eight kids...eight! Who WOULDN'T need & take help?!

I adore the show & dislike the show's critics, but I have to say, I myself am growing more & more disgruntled with the show...or should I say, Kate. I would never have classified her as sweet nor kind or even particularly caring, but this season I've found her to be borderline hateful. In fact, both J&K seem to have slightly enlarged heads this season. But Kate is just mean. Not the I can be mean because you're my husband & it's my rightkind of mean...nor the I'm your mother & you'll do as I wish & that's just the way it is sort of mean, but the kind of mean that steals other kids lunch money, parks in handicap spaces & enjoys giving a bad ass purple nurple kind of mean. The mean that strikes fear in the hearts of puppies.

So I will continue to watch the show because I can't help myself. I will cringe every time Kate yells "JON!!!" at the top of her lungs or scolds him for not using a coupon to buy a shower head & then, heaven forbid, not putting the receipt for said shower head in the receipt drawer. Isn't it freaking common knowledge that receipts just go in receipt drawers? That's just where they go! Period, end of story. Cringe.

Shopping is an anti-depressent.

2009-02-26T20:40:00.018-04:00

New camera came Tuesday. Yay! I might not seem the type to geek out over gadgets, but I do...I so do. So I've been having fun with it the past few days. It takes terrific video, which was the whole point, essentially.

Next possible purchase: A Quinny Zapp.

Oliver is quickly outgrowing his car seat & since we have a travel system, we thought we'd simply sell it & upgrade to a convertible car seat & a new stroller. Two new strollers actually, one for winter & one for all of the other seasons...you know, the seasons that include things like green grass, leaves, flowers & sunshine? I won't start a rant about winter. It would end badly. So the non-winter stroller will be the Quinny Zapp. Lightweight, compact when folded & a really smooth ride. Yes, in lime green. I happen to like green. & it does come with a canopy...as well as a rain shield & travel bag.

I leave you with this...my maniacal son, with the jazz hands...clearly far too excited at the possibility of being pushed around in an insect-like stroller the color of radioactive vomit.

Lessons in mothering #1

2009-02-21T22:32:00.009-04:00

The dear husband was cooking our yummy supper whilst watching Star Wars & during one scene I cannot recall [okay, it was the scene with the Rancor monster. Sheesh.] he turned to Oliver & began discussing the scene in the movie...& the general coolness of the movie...& how Star Wars is #1 on the list God created of the coolest movies cool people should watch to be even cooler. Discussing this, he was, with our 6 month old. As he was doing this, I was so disturbed & was not at all in agreeance, so I was making faces behind husband's back, letting poor Ollie know that hey, not everyone is all aboard the Star Wars geek train, that it's okay to rebel. But then Patrick caught me, so I made my disdain more verbal & said "Star Wars is lame", to which Oliver let out the biggest giggle known to man. A monster giggle.

I have never been more proud.

All those times during my pregnancy that I was forced to watch the trilogy because I was too fat & pregnant to protest or get off my ass & change the DVD, so instead would simply whisper to my belly, carrying my unborn child, "Star Wars is lame"...well...he heard me. Meaning they were worth every minute.

Lesson in mothering #1: Babies are born cool. It's up to the mom to make sure the Dad doesn't screw that up.

When life hands you lemons, feed them to babies.

2009-02-21T14:32:00.003-04:00

Look at him! Is there anything sweeter...er...sourerer? ;)

Meet my latest lover

2009-02-19T21:50:00.002-04:00

Nikon Coolpix S710. 14.5 megapixels. Oh so shiny.

This pretty baby has been ordered & I should soon be getting a call to pick it up. I'm excited to have a point & shoot that's easier to carry around & takes video. Oliver is going to have this thing shoved in his face so much he'll start to think it's his mommy ;)

Not just for dirty hippies

2009-02-17T11:19:00.008-04:00

I've been on a real homemade soap kick. Not homemade by me...oh no. Why make it yourself when someone else has put in the time & effort? Although, I would like to try my hand at soap making some time in my life, when more room & more time on my hands will allow it. Currently I'm using Pardon My Crumbs & I have another bar waiting in line, Maple Oatcake. Both made at one of the yummiest smelling shops on the planet, Sudsmuffin. I smell delicious, if I must say so myself!

6 months.

2009-02-05T18:41:00.010-04:00

17 1/2 lbs & 27 inches long

My little monkey was 6 months old on the 5th.
It feels like I've barely had time to catch my breath, let alone
take in the fact that he's halfway to being a year old. I have
to say, this past few weeks have been my favorite thus far,
besides right after he was born & was so fresh & new.

He's becoming SO animated. Lots of chattering & "talking"
& he even gabs to himself when we put him in bed for naps.
He grabs his feet like crazy, loves to chew on anything that
gets near his mouth & is really big on meal time. Besides
his four bottles a day he gets three meals, one of baby cereal
& the other two consist of a veggie & then a fruit for dessert.

He loves to be held, but has never been much of a "cuddler",
unless he's tired & dopey, hehe. He's starting to find laughter
infectious & he's finally becoming ticklish. His favorite time of
day seems to be the morning, when he is lovey & content &
then gets a big surge of happy energy.

I feel so blessed to be experiencing every amazing first with
him...from smiling to rolling over, learning to sit up [which he's
now working on] & everything in between...the bond & journey
that parent & child go on together is indescribable...& beautiful.

[You can't really tell, but his shirt says "I love Mommy"...awwww!]

Deliciously cute

2009-02-01T15:02:00.003-04:00

I love that my whole wide world...

2009-01-31T13:22:00.001-04:00

...is wrapped up in these two guys.

Is this love that I'm feeling?

2009-01-20T22:14:00.002-04:00

I got Sophie, the giraffe, long before Oliver was born &
I'm so happy I did, because he loves that thing! Each
Sophie squeak [which is more of a squack, since I washed
her & she got water in her tummy] elicits a big gummy
grin from my boy & he chews on her every chance he gets.

My roo

2009-01-18T21:59:00.005-04:00

Oliver has been eating solids for over a month now & usually
loves every second of it.

He's had:

Peas, green beans, avocado, sweet potato, squash, carrots
apple sauce, banana, peaches, pears, prunes & baby cereal

& there's probably something else I'm forgetting. See, quite the
little foodie ;)

Tweet tweet

2009-01-09T21:56:00.001-04:00

I have a thing for birds lately. My latest ceramic bird figurine sits atop the Lack shelf in the living room.

'round here

2009-01-08T17:17:00.001-04:00

New bedding. Nothing beats it. & delicious chocolates to nom on.

5 months.

2009-01-05T09:22:00.002-04:00

17lbs & 27 inches long.

My monkey turned 5 months old on the 5th. That very same day he rolled from his back to his front. He mastered the front to back roll a couple of months ago. He's now rolling like crazy & pushing himself all around, which includes in his crib. He's in his crib in his own room now, because he got too darn big for his bassinet. His sleep has regressed & he's taken to waking up over & over & over again at night. Patrick is sleeping in the nursery on the futon to take care of him at night & then I get up bright & early with him every morning. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful & dedicated hubby.

His first Christmas was wonderful. He was spoiled by friends & family & even though HE didn't know what was going on, we sure did & reveled in every moment of his very xmas.

Now we've rung in 2009 & although I can't be certain what the bigger picture of the future holds, I know this next year will be filled with even more milestones, laughter & love.

My little man

2008-12-31T22:52:00.001-04:00

Ringing in 2009 in style :)

Merry stinkin' Christmas ;)

2008-12-25T12:11:00.002-04:00

Oliver's picture with Santa. Probably the most apathetic Santa I've ever seen. Ba humbug!
But seriously...Happy Holidays everyone!

Sweet treats

2008-12-12T13:08:00.001-04:00

Our Christmas presents to our closest friends...
delicious homemade sweets, including biscotti,
sugar cookies, icebox cookies, frog cookies &
chocolate peanut butter marshmallow squares

In my bag.

2008-12-07T17:05:00.001-04:00

Check out my Flickr for more deets.

4 months.

2008-12-05T11:26:00.010-04:00

16lbs & 27 inches long.

My monkey is 4 months old today. My little baby that I carried for 9 months...actually, let's set the record straight. The 9 month thing is a lie. It's more like 10 months, but they don't want to tell you that at the beginning because you'll be sad you have almost a whole extra month until you see your sweet babies face & they certainly don't want to explain it towards the end because you just want the #$%^*@! thing out & you'll tear the head off of the person that mentions there is even a day left to go, let alone closer to a month. Nobody really has the heart to tell you in the middle of the pregnancy, because you're glowing & happy & why spoil the fun?...but back to the topic at hand. I carried him for almost 10 months & my little man is 4 whole freaking months old. I can hardly believe it. He's gotten so big & he actually has a personality now. He's not just a lumpy baby that simple sleepy [well, that's a farce too...but we'll debunk that myth some other day], eats, poops & pees. He's a human being, a swirly cone of me & the hubby's DNA. Watching him awaken to the world is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. But seriously child, slow down with the growing up! Mommy wants to treasure the gift for a long time to come.

'tis the season to be busy

2008-12-03T16:18:00.002-04:00

I both love & loathe Christmas. Christmas to me is a big jumbled mixture of the following: presents & pressure, shopping & icky slushy snow, wrapping paper & paper cuts, delicious food & doubling my weight, family & fist fights [not really, but there IS always some sort of family drama]...for everything good there seems to be something bad.

So then why is it truly the most wonderful time of the year? In spite of all the annoyances, headaches, hassles & holiday traffic plus the pushy shoppers vying for the last Butterball turkey or Polly Pocket my niece just HAS to have, it really is magical. Hanging ornaments on the tree, drinking hot chocolate & listening to carols, spending time with family [not matter how much the get on your nerves sometimes]...all part of the holiday experience that I personally couldn't live without. This year will be extra special, obviously because it's Oliver's first Christmas. Being a budding photographer, it made sense to take a photo of Oliver myself, rather than getting the traditional super posed portrait studio type, & give them to the fam as part of their Christmas gifts. Tell me he doesn't look super adorable in his rocking chair, dressed in blue?

Mommy's boy

2008-11-20T22:20:00.001-04:00

I always wanted a mama's boy, but Oliver is becoming one & it's not all it's cracked up to be. Who wouldn't want to be the apple of their little ones eye?! I thoroughly enjoy the way he gazes at me from across the room & smiles when I look his way. I adore the cuddles he's starting to give, especially since he was never much of a cuddler. What isn't so much fun is the way he screams to be held after 5 minutes on his playmat, or less than 10 in his swing. Can't we spread that love around a little? Can't daddy get a bit of the adoration, so mommy can take a shower or read a magazine or...heaven forbid...pee? I hope it's just a stage & he'll learn to love other people just as much [well, maybe he can love me just a little bit more than everyone else]...I just don't want to be carrying him around in a custom made Baby Bjorn when he's 23.

Sassy already.

2008-11-16T17:00:00.001-04:00

Desperately seeking sleep

2008-11-13T11:22:00.001-04:00

I remember the glory days of sleep. I think the last decent night's sleep I had was over 6 months ago, before the belly got so big that I couldn't roll over unassisted. Even then, I was lucky...kicks didn't wake me from my slumber, no late night cravings...it was just the constant uncomfortableness that lessened my total number of z's. I'd simply take an afternoon nap [every single day] to make up for it. I reaaaaally miss a good nap.

When we brought Oliver home, the sleep was broken, but when my head hit the pillow I was dead to the world. I've always struggled with getting to sleep...usually it took me 20 minutes. sometimes more, to greet Mr. Sandman at Sandland's gates. But those first few weeks Mr. Sandman just gave me my own key to Sandland City, because he'd never make it to the gates in time to let me in...I was out that fast.

& now?, you ask...well...after all the caffeine I've consumed to keep me going through the day it routinely takes me 20-30 minutes to start to doze off. If daddy's on middle of the night feeding duty & I get to gloriously stay in bed, it still takes me 20-30 minutes to fall back asleep. In the morning I feel groggy, gross & grumpy. The three G's. A lethal combination. Don't look at me funny or I'll use a baby bottle to take your head off. Baby bottle combat is an art I've mastered well.

So I'm the one who needs a little bit of sleep training. I need to learn to go to bed earlier [but I can't pull myself away from The Hills or The Office], fall asleep faster & just plain feel better in the morning. Know of a place that sells bottled sleep? It's probably on the shelf next to the bottled youth & bottled libido [speaking of which...] ;)

3 months.

2008-11-05T22:35:00.002-04:00

14lbs & 20-something inches long.
He never stays still enough
for an accurate length check.

Before we know it he'll be 16 &
begging us to borrow the car so
he can take his [probably not
good enough for him] girlfriend
to the movies. Hehe.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T21:02:00.000-03:00

2 months.

2008-10-05T12:11:00.002-03:00

12+lbs & 24 inches long.

We're sooo slack in getting to this, but from day
one we wanted to be charting Oliver's progression
with photos. Ah well...at least we'll have from
2 months on :)

Oliver's first photo shoot...

2008-08-30T15:58:00.000-03:00

& then he peed all over himself.

Ollie - The first 2 weeks

2008-08-20T11:15:00.000-03:00

001. He's all hands - I'd be surprised if he doesn't grow up to work with his hands. They're always moving about, up near his face, flailing in the air. We nicknamed him The Conductor in the hospital...maybe he'll conduct a symphony some day.

002. He's a boy w/ many faces - His face is pretty animated for a little one. He seems to have a million faces that he could pull at any time. My favorites are the monkey faces, when he scrunches up his forehead, his eyes are wide & he pulls his mouth into an O shape.

003. He's finding his lungs - They were obviously a mystery to him until a couple of nights ago when he started discovering them & putting them to good use. He's still a relatively quiet baby, but when he cries...he CRIES. Last night he cried for 3 hours straight while I was at the movies. Poor Daddy! I'm now banned from leaving them alone for a while!

004. He's shy - He HATES having his diaper changed. Screams & screams. The second I even place ANYTHING over his pee-pee, the screaming stops. So I guess he's just a little modest, is all.

005. He's a snorgler - Totally made up word, but when he's hungry he makes the most adorable little grunting, snorting sound we've called snorgling...& we'll be sad when, some day, it inevitably goes away :/

Baby Oliver :)

2008-08-08T08:54:00.004-03:00

Oliver Patrick Lewis Bezanson
Born August 5th '08 at 1:47 am
8lbs 4oz & 21 inches long

Thanks to everyone for all the congrats! We're so proud & happy to have welcomed our little boy into the world...4 days early, no less.

A bit of the birth story: My water broke Sunday morning, but I didn't really realize it was my water & knew I had time to get to the hospital, so we puttered around for most of the day. Finally in the later afternoon we headed to the regional & they checked & sure enough, my water had broken. They sent me home to wait it out & see if labour would start on it's own. Otherwise, I had to call the hospital at 6:30am & book a time to go in & be induced....let me tell you, all of this makes for a very sleepless night!!! The night was pretty uneventful, no serious contractions, so we ended up at the hospital at around 8 am & I was started on pitocin at approx. 9:10.

For a while, things were going well. Looked like I was progressing pretty wonderfully & for about half of the day I kept being told the baby's head was very low & I was doing really good. It was painful, but manageable....but about halfway through the day my cervix just stopped dilating at 5 cm & baby had turned into an unfavorable position. They continued upping the pitocin, the pain got MUCH worse & then they started talking about what a medical marvel my cervic was & they'd never seen one w/ scar tissue on someone that hadn't had laser surgery...soon all the interns & nurses in the hospital seemed to be at my bedside, lol. One doctor even ventured in w/ what looked just like a miners hat, lol.

After 16 hours of very hard & intense labour & apparently many a sentence that I don't remember uttering [Patrick says I mentioned something about labour feels like what having your balls stomped on must feel like], the doctors came in & stated they thought c-section was pretty much the best, if not only, option. Maybe that wouldn't have been the route if my water hadn't have broken, but little Ollie had spent a day 1/2 in there without his fluids, so it was time for him to come out.

I was quickly taken to the ER, given a spinal & within 15-20 minutes, at 1:47am, Patrick & I were hearing little Ollie's cries for the very first time! He weighed 8lbs 4oz & measured 21 inches. Patrick, thankfully, snapped pictures & then they brought him to us....Patrick held him & he seemed so alert & content. His dark blue eyes peeking out from his blanket. They took him for all their usual tests etc. & me to recovery where we stayed until they prepped a room for us. We finally got to sleep around 6am...almost 24 hours after getting up to prepare for the hospital.

The last few days have been trying, to say the least. Not because of little Ollie, although breastfeeding & lack of sleep are no walk in the park, but the hospital & some of the nurses were extremely frustrating. I rallied to be discharged a day early, only to find out that Oliver has jaundice & would have to stay in the hospital at least one extra day to be treated under the lights in the NICU. Broke our hearts, esp. to think of him there alone without us...but it was much better for us to come home, catch up on our rest & regain some sanity before the true journey of parenthood begins.

We call this morning to see if he's being released today...I have to remember that jaundice is no biggie, that lots of babies get it & it's for the best that he's getting care. But it's def. hard not seeing his beautiful dark blue eyes staring up at me when he's all warm, cozy & content.

Thanks to EVERYONE that came to visit, that sent flowers, that left kind words on Facebook, Flickr, Twitter etc. or sent e-mails! Those things meant & mean the world to us...Oliver is greatly loved by many people already & I can't imagine a gift more special than that!

The final countdown

2008-07-04T10:57:00.000-03:00

The final countdown
Can't believe it's been over a month since my last post! Pregnancy def. puts a damper on things as you get closer to the end...lack of energy, aches & pains. The honeymoon period is certainly over. One of the hardest parts is people that haven't been preggers not really realizing what a physical strain it is. I toss & turn all night & haven't had a decent nights sleep in a couple of months. I have a bruised tummy muscle, either from strain or baby pinching a nerve because it's resting in one spot...it can make it unbearable to even walk sometimes :/ Sore legs, exhaustion...some of the lovely things that come with the final stage of pregnancy. & sometimes people still expect that I can walk fast or far, or be physical in ways I just can't. It can be tough, trying to balance protecting your own health & well being [& that of the baby] & still be active with friends.

Don't get me wrong, it's a lovely experience than I wouldn't trade for the world. In 36-ish days we'll be meeting our little one & what could be better than that?! It's just not the glowy, lovely, perfect time it's always made out to be. Pregnancy has it's highs & lows, just like most of life's grand experiences.

Now it's a waiting game. Will I have the baby early? On time? late? What exact moment is our little one going to choose as the perfect time to enter the world? At least our bag is packed, we're as prepared as two people can be [besides that tinge of fright that I'm sure all soon-to-be-parents feel]...& just twiddling our thumbs, waiting it out.

Still baking

2008-05-30T14:18:00.001-03:00

Well, Baby B is still baking. 10 days until my due date & no real sign that this little one is ready to leave the warm & cushy confines of my womb. There's been some promising progress over the past 5 days, but no contractions. As much as this is an exciting time...like Christmas Eve, only better, & once it's over you can never relive it....I'm just so ready for Panda to get here. The last two weeks have def. been uncomfortable, anxiety riddled & filled with curiosity. What will labor be like? When is it going to happen? Is the baby going to be healthy? Just a swirl of questions & concern & excitement.

At my appointment yesterday my blood pressure was quite elevated, so I have to go back & have it checked on Friday. If it's still high, I'll be sent to the regional hospital to have some testing done. The doctor didn't specifically say, but I'm assuming if the testing does not go well, we'll probably talk about induction or something along those lines. High blood pressure & pregnancy don't mix. Thankfully I'm 38 1/2 weeks at this point & my BP didn't rise any earlier than this point...at least we know baby is def. viable & ready for the world.

Either way, we're preparing ourselves mentally for the biggest life change we're ever going to face!

A+!!!

2008-05-22T20:45:00.001-03:00

I passed my glucose test w/ flying colors! No Gestational Diabetes for me. Or "The Diabetes", as some people like to refer to it, hehe. Tuesday's appointment went well. Panda's heartrate is at 152 bpm, which is healthy & good. My tummy is still measuring ahead...this time by 2 1/2 weeks! I've read lots of info & the measuring of the "fundus" isn't all that accurate, so who knows what the reason is. But...because of measuring ahead we get to see Panda in ultrasound form not once, but twice more. Once on June 6th & again on July 7th. Exciting! Time is really going to fly by what with these two ultrasounds & now having prenatal appointments every two weeks.

We leave for Nova Scotia on Monday for a week. Looking forward to getting away & going to Apple Blossom. But traveling can be stress inducing, so doc told me to take it easy & really make sure I don't get stressed by travel or people or what have you. My blood pressure has always been in the normal range, but at Tuesday's appointment she said it was slightly elevated from last time, so just keep calm.

The Nursery

2008-05-16T21:40:00.003-03:00

Pour some sugar on me

2008-05-08T10:54:00.002-03:00

Another pregnancy first...my one hour glucose test was Tuesday. Did anyone else find the drink to be somewhat tasty? hehe. It tasted like flat orange soda, except a little more sweet. Delish ;) I chugged it back & had an hour to kill, so luckily they had scheduled me for my regular prenatal appointment upstairs. Panda's heartbeat was at 152 beats per minute & sounded beautiful :) My belly, however, is measuring a week 1/2 ahead! eek! So, they're going to schedule me for another ultrasound in 2-4 weeks so they can see what's up...big sumo wrestler sized baby, perhaps?! I pray not. But at least I get to see Panda again before the big day. & I'll now be having appointments every two weeks instead of once a month, since I'm nearly 27 weeks. Exciting. The doc also gave me the okay for travel [Nova Scotia in less than 3 weeks] but told me to keep things as stress free as possible...& that it's a good thing we're ferry travelers & not making the 5 hour drive.

So I went back down an hour later to have my blood drawn & the poor nurse has quite the job getting my spaghetti veins to cooperate, so I have a nice little bruise on my right arm & she had to draw the third vial from my left arm. No immediate results...guess I have to wait until my next appointment on the 20th to find out. If I fail, I have to take the 3 hours test before which I will have to fast. ugh.

Panda was super duper active yesterday, from 2pm straight through to this morning! Not sure what got into him/her, but it's really wonderful feeling your baby move & kick...except for the total lack of sleep. I can't wait to meet 'em...my feelings change all the time: sometimes I think it's a boy, sometimes a girl. It'll be a wonderful moment when the doctor announces what it is. Could there be a better or more honest surprise?

Skate for poverty

2008-05-06T15:05:00.001-03:00

Saturday we went to the Skate for poverty event being thrown by Syndicate in an effort to raise money for poverty [duh!] & also spread awareness that skateboarders really aren't so bad. A few of the mayoral & council candidates also came out to show their support, so that was cool. Lots of skater boys doing tricks & trying to show off, hehe. It was fun, even if it was a bit cold.

The joys of pregnancy

2008-05-01T17:33:00.001-03:00

The pros & cons of pregnancy:
+ Clear skin. My skin has not been this healthy, rosy & clear in ages.
+ Not having to suck in one's gut.
+ Food. Getting to eat food, lots of it, & not feel guilty. Unless it's a third serving of
cheesecake, then you get a few stares.
+ Getting others to lift things for you. It's fun.
+ Auntie Flo holding off her visit for 9 whole months. woot.
+ Feeling your baby kick & move inside you. If that's not a pro, I don't know what is.

- Not being able to get a decent night's sleep.
- Peeing. All the time peeing. & if the baby kicks my bladder one more time...
- Waddling. I think I waddled before, but look out Daffy, I'm gaining on you.
- Barely being able to get out of a sitting position unassisted.
- My guts residing right under my boobs. Surely not an attractive sight.
- Did I mention the bladder kicking?!

Weird things about pregnancy:

001. New & darker freckles. I feel like people might now question if my husband
& I are related.
002. Patches of darker skin in certain areas of my body. Just...odd.
003. Eating a meal & feeling like it's just sitting there, in my chest, with nowhere
to go.
004. Not being able to see my feet without bending forward.
005. The amazing, yet absolutely strange, sight of your baby moving around in
your belly. Am I part of some secret science experiment?

All in all, I've had it pretty easy [knock on wood]...no morning sickness, not a single complication, baby has treated me really well & will get lots of hugs, kisses & milk as a reward when they finally arrive :)

What's in a name?

2008-04-28T13:24:00.001-03:00

At almost 6 1/2 months pregnant, it's high time we narrowed down our names for little panda [our nickname for unborn baby Bezanson]...but the sheer WEIGHT of such a big decision can be chest crushing. Growing up with a name I was never quite fond of, I have always felt added pressure that one day when I had kids of my own I'd have to pick JUST the right name, & that pressure has only become magnified as my due date draws closer & closer.

Patrick & I have narrowed things down from a looooong list. At first there were probably 30 names for a girl & the same for a boy. We eventually cut it down to 5 each & now, we're at a comfortable 3 each which we'll take to the hospital & then try to get a feel for just who our gunk-soaked & squishy-faced newborn really is. But besides the first name pressure, is the added nightmare of middle names. How many? One or more? Traditional & maybe a homage to family members? or something completely oddball & off the beaten path?

It's all quite exciting, with a side of nervous jitters. I don't want my child to look at me one day & say "I hate my name". I want them to feel strong, confident & at peace with it...like it fits them like a glove & they can't imagine being anything else. A mother can dream, right?

Here's lookin' at you, kid.

2008-04-24T10:47:00.002-03:00

It's hard to believe, but I had survived nearly 29 years without seeing the movie Casablanca. Living under a rock has suited me just fine, thank you very much. But when The Imperial Theatre decided to play it last night...their first showing of a feature film since the 1950's...it seemed a no-brainer. We had to go. Our good friends Tim & Leah kindly bought us all tickets [If they would have paid for dinner I would have wondered what they expected in return ;)] & I have to say, the movie met all of my expectations, even if I thought it was kind of cool I was one of the last people on planet earth to have avoided seeing the film.

Bogie & Bergie were the perfect couple in black & white. I couldn't get over the wit & humor that held up, even by today's standards. At the end of the movie they raised the screen & the stage was set to look like Rick's Cafe Americain & everyone was welcome to mingle & order drinks & dance. We were starving, so we stayed long enough to see the contestants in the look-a-like competition [everyone was encouraged to dress up, but being 6 months preggers limits what will fit around an ever-growing baby bump] & were amazed by two people in particular, who really wowed the crowd with their costumes. To vote for your faves, you made a donation by placing your money in a ballot type box corresponding with their picture. We placed our votes, then headed out for some late-night Wendy's which really hit the spot...only to get caught in a thunder, lightning & rain storm as we left. It was a really fun night & I'm glad I FINALLY lost my Casablanca virginity ;)

6 months along

2008-04-18T21:42:00.000-03:00

(no subject)
I can't believe how long it's been since I updated. I think April has gone by the quickest of any month. I sincerely cannot believe it's April 18th already! Where is the time going?!

I had an appointment last Friday...just a good old check-up. Got to hear Panda's heartbeat again & the nurse measured my belly. I'm still measuring a week ahead. Your tummy measurements is supposed to directly correlate to the amount of weeks preggo you are...I'm measuring 24 inches/weeks when I'm only 23 weeks pregnant. So either big baby or my due date SHOULD be moved up...but they aren't budging & moving it. Regardless, I have a feeling this baby is going to come a tiny bit early, but we'll see.

On Wednesday night Patrick & I went to our first prenatal class. It covered breastfeeding & car seat safety. It was weird sitting in a room full of couples watching a video chock full of breasts & babies nursing, lol. We have a full day [9am-5pm] of prenatal classes on May 10th. We opted to do it all in one shot, rather than an hour or two per week seeing as the hospital is quite a distance away. I also have another appointment on May 5th & they'll be drawing blood that day as well to check my sugars/see if I have gestational diabetes etc. Keep your fingers crossed for me that all is well!

Baby is a little machine lately...always moving & kicking. It's actually slowed a bit in the past few days. I can only assume that with babies increase in size & weight there isn't as much room for sommersaults anymore ;)

We're going to Nova Scotia in 5 1/2 weeks [May 26th] & apparently there's a shower being thrown for us within the following couple of days. I'm really excited to share this time with everyone...but Patrick nor I are into big to-do's where we're the focus. My mother-in-law also asked about guests etc. & she had assumed it was going to be females only, but we told her we'd like a unisex shower. I never quite understood why only women had baby showers, seeing as a baby is such a gift to both soon-to-be-parents.

So I better get the show on the road & post the two weeks worth of developments that I never posted [eep!], seeing as tomorrow I officially become 6 months pregnant!!!

2008-03-29T21:41:00.000-03:00

(no subject)
Life seems busy with a baby on board. I'm hitting panic mode now...feeling like there is so much to be done, so little time. & then worrying/thinking about all the important decisions I'm going to have to make in my future. I watched The Business of Being Born & it really made me consider having a home birth. Actually, from a very young age I always wanted a home birth & especially, a water birth. But as I've gotten older, I've become a scaredy cat & there is some sort of comfort provided in being in a hospital, where if something goes wrong they have the capacity to fix it. But, the documentary really showed me the cons of having a hospital birth & so I began looking into home birth/using a midwife or doula. Unfortunately, I was met with the information that midwives & doulas are not licensed in New Brunswick & therefore not covered by medicare, meaning we'd have to pay out of pocket...which we just can't afford to do. So hospital birth it is.

Secondly, the documentary really opened my eyes to c-sections [not that they weren't open before. New Brunswick has a very high rate of c-sections & c-sections are on the rise in general in north america]. C-sections are dangerous, there's a much greater risk of infection, complications, death of the mother or baby. They're used as a quick way to get the baby out, save the doctors time, the hospitals money & free up beds. I understand in some situations they are necessary, but it's my #1 goal [after having a healthy baby] to avoid a c-section. This means one thing in particular....no drugs :/ Now...I've never been anti-drugs when it comes to labour. I was all "I'm SO getting an epidural"...but after watching the documentary, it showed the direct correlation with epidurals, pitocin & c-sections. After much thought, I'm going to try to be drug-free. At least for as long as I possibly can.

Another thing the documentary touched on was how unnatural the "normal" birthing position used in hospitals is. Laying on your back, pulling your knees/legs up towards you...most women around the world give birth on all fours or squatting...gravity helps birth the baby.

So yeah...I'm sure the doctors & nurses are just going to love us, lol. We've already talked about being as head strong as we can & stick to our guns. I mean, in the end it's OUR child & OUR decision, right? We're already going to get flack because we're not vaccinating, or circumcising if it's a boy...& I'm sure there are a SLEW of other things we're doing that "most" people don't...so what's another couple of unconventional things thrown into the mix?

Anyway...our apartment is still in shambles, just neater shambles. Our living room seems complete. The bedroom is almost there, at least placement wise. The spare room/nursery is still ground zero, w/ heaps of stuff everywhere. We've gotten so much for the baby already, so that at least takes a load off, but takes up loads of space. We got a travel system [stroller, car seat & base], I got a breast feeding pillow, a breast pump, lots of other small baby knick-knacks...still in need of a playpen, crib, baby furniture...but with 3 months & 3 weeks to go, we have plenty of time...or DO we? hehe.

5 months along

2008-03-17T21:40:00.000-03:00

What a weekend!

Friday I had an appointment to speak with a nurse from the hospital. She comes to St. Joe's once a month to talk to patients & get them registered for prenatal classes & get some info from them. Patrick came with me & this was his first appointment, besides the ultrasound. It was nice having him there but I know he won't be coming to every appointment, at least not until I'm going every week, which is in the final month I believe. Our first prenatal class, which covers breast feeding & infant car safety, is April 10th. Our next prenatal [we've opted to take one saturday class, instead of one a week for several weeks, simply due to transportation] is mid-May. I think appointments make the months go by MUCH faster...

After seeing the nurse, I have a prenatal appointment & the nurse listened to the heartbeat [Patrick's first time hearing it] & measured my belly. She said it measured high. Not sure if that meant it's simply big, or that it starts up high. The doctor came in & spoke with us, felt my belly & said everything felt good. She also said she was not going to change my due date, because if the info I gave her about my last period was correct, there's no need to. So it's still August 9th, but the baby is measuring in at 20 weeks 2 days, instead of 19 weeks 2 days. Ah well. My next prenatal is in April.

The rest of the weekend was spent buying new things for the apartment or for baby. We got a bassinet, a high chair/booster seat, a baby monitor, LOTS of little items we'll need like pacifiers & baby washcloths & we picked up the paint we'll be using to paint the nursery!

It's hard to believe that in 4 days I'll be 5 MONTHS PREGNANT!!!!!

Ultrasound...finally.

2008-03-10T21:40:00.000-03:00

My ultrasound was today & it was fantastic! I mean...can anything describe seeing your baby on the screen?! I think we were just in total awe. Something is REALLY in there ;)

The tech was super nice & chatty which made it a lot easier. She said that although they technically aren't allowed to tell us if something is wrong with baby, that she usually tries to give an indication anyway...but that our bubs looked 100% healthy & normal! A woman even came into the room to tell her that she was leaving for her lunch & our tech said "I'm almost done here...just a OB that's normal so I'll be wrapping up", which was nice to hear.

Panda weighs 10 oz & the heartbeat was 148 bpm! She said that either the baby is really healthy & big for it's age OR my due date should be pushed up to a week earlier, making it August 2nd! She said the doctor would let me know at my next appointment. But...besides that...my due date should already be the 9th...apparently [& I thought this myself] the nurse gave me the right due date at my first appointment & the doc gave me the WRONG DD at my second appointment. So August 9th it is...or August 2nd. We'll see :)

She noted the 4 heart valves [so hopefully no heart probs], the "normal" looking nose [so it appears no downs] & that the spine was normal...so no spina bifida. It was nice to see/hear that Panda appears to be in tip top shape. The baby moved a LOT & we got to see a lot of angles. We saw the baby kneeling & got a cool view of just it's hands & knees. We saw it laying on it's back & even got to see a cool profile of the baby sucking it's thumb! The face shots were amazing...such funny looking creatures in the womb. All skeleton or alien looking. As we were looking at the baby's face it would open & close it's mouth & although you can't really tell, it looked like it was opening it's eyes or at least moving the eyes around under the lids. At one point the baby seemed to pull it's hands up to it's face in one movement, almost burying it's face in it's hands, hehe. The placenta & everything also looked normal, she said.

As for sex...hehe...we're not finding out. Patrick said he thought that while he was there he MIGHT have been tempted to find out, but that it was the opposite...seeing the baby on the screen, healthy, just made him want to keep the sex a surprise even more. But....I have to say, when she was looking down at the nether regions I totally saw something sticking out. But then, it other shots, it would seem to disappear. My GUT instinct all along has been boy...so we'll see if I'm right.

& as for the photos...the moving images were nice & clear, but when she's take a pic or "freeze" the image, it got all blurry & yuck, just like I thought it would. We have a long time to decide if we want to purchase a disc, but chances are we won't. $70 could be so much better spent with a new little one coming into the world. While a picture would be nice, it just doesn't compare to the real thing...a bunch of black & white fuzz in a photo.

The whole experience was something I can't describe, emotionally. It's scary & thrilling & interesting. It reaffirms the baby's existence & I think for Patrick, it was the first real & true sign that this is happening. Dad's usually get left out & it doesn't really hit until something like a ultrasound, or even the birth. Seeing his little one...spine, hands, face & all...really got to him, I think. He sat there in silence at most times, just taking it all in. & when the tech left the room for a second he reached out & took my hand & had this huge grin on his face. I think, more than anything, that's the moment I don't want to forget :)

The other neat thing about the past few days, is that I think I finally felt movement yesterday afternoon! It was this weird thumping, or kicking, low down in one area & lasted on & off for about 5 minutes. The tech today said she wasn't sure if that was the baby, as most women describe "fluttering", but I hadn't felt anything like it before so I'm pretty confident it was Panda letting me know he/she is in there :)

2008-02-12T21:38:00.000-04:00

I think I've had a pretty easy pregnancy thus far. I know there's still 5 1/2 months to go, but I was expecting to be vomiting every hour or wearing panty liners in case I peed myself. Luckily I didn't really have morning sickness, my nausea wasn't too bad, I had to take a nap most afternoons & I've been constipated for 3 1/2 months...but other than that, I feel pretty lucky. The second trimester is the "honeymoon" phase, but I know the third tri is going to be really hard. Most women tell me that you just want the baby out at that point...this little human that's pushing all your organs up through your throat. You need help with everything, can barely move, feel like a whale. But strangely, I think it's counteracted by KNOWING that it'll soon all be over. Can you imagine if pregnancy went in reverse?! At 1 month pregnant you'd be carrying a basketball sized baby in your belly...

I'm in utter shock that in less than one month I'll be halfway through this pregnancy. I know the next month will fly by & then I'll look back & wonder where 4 1/2 months went. Sometimes it seems to be dragging...but once I reach a milestone, like an appointment or a month marker or hitting the second trimester or hearing the heartbeat...I look back & think "wow, time is flying!". August will be here before I know it.

2008-02-08T21:38:00.000-04:00

I HEARD PANDA'S HEARTBEAT TODAY!!! <3

Seriously, one of the best moments of my life thus far.

My appointment was at 11am, but it was so busy today that I didn't get in to see the doctor until 12:15! I was so bored, sitting in the waiting area. But it was so worth it. The nurse took me in & immediately asked me to get up on the table. She took my blood pressure [man those things hurt!] & said it was perfect. She then got me to lay down & she put the doppler on my belly. I had heard it could take a while to find the hb, so I was not expecting to hear it right away! She found it almost immediately, really low down...& it just sounded magical. Like a little galloping horse! She only help the doppler there for about 30 seconds. I know they were really busy, but I could have laid there listening to it all day! She said it sounded wonderful :)

Then the doc came in, checked my tummy & said it felt good & was starting to firm up. She said my weight loss [2lbs since my last appt] was no big deal & that in no time I'd probably be packing them on, hehe. She also shocked me by telling me that they have an ultrasound scheduled for me for March 10th! I was expecting it to at least be 2 weeks later than that! So in approx. a month we'll be seeing our baby onscreen for the first time :) My next prenatal is a few days after the u/s, on the 14th. The next month 1/2 is going to fly by!

The ONLY thing I'm a little annoyed with is the fact that they no longer give just one or two pics of baby. You have to pay over $69 [!!!] for a disc of pics...& believe me, I've seen lots of these pictures & in the majority of them you can't even make out what's going on. I personally believe it's a total waste of money & I wish we could just buy 2-3 pics we want for a lesser cost. But oh well...not going to get my panties in a knot ;)

2008-02-03T21:37:00.000-04:00

YAY!!!! Second trimester!!!! At least I consider it so. Some people wait until 13 weeks 3 days...but come on?! hehe.

A lot of my symptoms have subsided. I think because the good old placenta is doing a lot of the work. I'm not as gassy, haven't had any cramps for quite a while, nowhere near as tired in the middle of the day & my baby acne has cleared up. The things that have lingered are: slightly tender breasts, food aversions [NOTHING looks appetizing. It sucks.] & mild nausea. Plus now I'm starting to get some really mild acid reflux...but from what I've heard that's only going to get worse :/

5 days until I should get to hear Panda's heartbeat. That's the biggest thing keeping me going right now. Once I hear that, which has been described as a galloping horse, I think I can take a deep breath & really start to ENJOY this thrilling ride!

2008-01-27T21:37:00.000-04:00

My goodness! I cannot believe 3 months have passed...I'm now in the safe zone, of sorts, meaning that I'm 98% likely to have a successful, full term pregnancy. It's a huge relief! There's a lot of debate as to when the second trimester starts. Most things I've read say it's after week 13 has come & gone....so I feel that in 1 week I will finally enter the lovely 2nd tri.

Not feeling too bad lately. Needing to pee a lot more, starting to get much more hungry. Still having food aversions & nausea once in a while. I'm not as tired as I once was...but still feel rather exhausted from time to time. My next appointment is in 12 days & I'm really excited as I'm expecting to hear Panda's heartbeat for the first time...& still be saying my prayers that twins are not in my future, lol.

2008-01-18T21:36:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe that in a few days I'll be entering my 12th week...& then once that week is over I'll officially be in the second trimester! It's just going by really fast. To say I don't have my moments of worry would be a lie. I def. worry about the risk of miscarriage. I haven't had any spotting or bleeding or any severe cramping, but I still worry about a missed miscarriage. The kind where you have NO sign that you've miscarried, but the baby simply stopped growing & you don't find out until much later at one of your check-ups. There are so many women on a pregnancy forum I visit that were due in August along with me & have suffered a miscarriage. Just the other day a woman found out her baby had stopped growing & it truly broke my heart :/ I try not to think about it, but until I hear the heartbeat & [especially] have a sonogram, I think there will always be a little bit of worry in the back of my head...even after I'm in my 2nd trimester.

Everyone seems to think we're having a boy, hehe. I think everyone that's made a call has said boy. It's very interesting. Even one of the owners at a bakery I frequent said she has a "feeling" it's a boy. I always thought I really wanted a girl...not in the way that if I had a boy I'd be upset, because I'd obviously be happy & love my child no matter the sex...but I just always wanted a girl. But as time has gone on, I would really love to have a boy too. I just imagine the relationship father & son would have & how great it would be have a girl later on & then she'd have a big brother. I think I long equally for both now...just no twins please ;)

Day tripping

2008-01-12T21:35:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe 10 weeks have almost passed & that I'll soon enter my 11th week! It just still feels very surreal sometimes. I'm starting to get a belly...well, I already had a pooch [hehe] but it's rounding out & has gotten bigger. I have to take a pic really soon & start documenting my baby bump. I've been really tired this week, but unable to sleep at night OR nap in the day, which is agony :/ I've also been starting to weigh myself because at around this point & I should be starting to gain between 2/3 of a pound & a pound every week. That's what's healthy for the baby. So far I haven't gained anything...I just keep losing two pounds & gaining it back. It's mainly because I have no appetite, really. I've read & heard it's okay not to gain at first...everyone's body is different & reacts differently to pregnancy, but I really hope I start gaining steadily soon. Weird to say I hope I start GAINING weight, hehe.

We're going to Moncton today with friends...I think I might start looking for stuff for the nursery :)

2008-01-09T21:34:00.000-04:00

The last two days have been hell on my stomach. I'm not sure what's going on "down there", but it's def. messing with my regularity & making me feel yucky. Plus I had very mild cramping yesterday & today & it's so hard to even figure out what it is...is it my tummy? Is it gas? Is it something to do with Panda? I'm just feeling blah.

So....I always said I wanted to find out the sex of my first child & have the second baby be a surprise. For those that don't know, we plan to have two. Patrick always agreed that he'd like to know, because it'll make things easier with planning etc. For me, it's more that I'm terrible with surprises & for as long as I can remember I've snooped at Christmas gifts or birthday presents. Now, it turns out, Patrick is totally against finding out. I could certainly find out myself & just keep mum about the sex, but this should really be about a partnership, as there are so few parts of pregnancy & birth that the man gets to have a hand/say in....so a surprise it shall be. This throws things into a whole new direction, because as I once thought I would be able to plan & design the perfect nursery for Panda, I'm now daydreaming & brainstorming in a whole different direction. Staying with sex-neutral colors, I'm thinking a creamy yellow or a mellow green. Pink would look great as an accent color with either of those if we have a girl, & the right shade of brown or blue would work for a boy. I'm already trying to think of actual themes or decoration ideas though...like what kind of bedding set or the color of the crib & furniture. I think white for the furniute. I'm not really a wood kinda gal when it comes to baby's room. I think lots of vintage books & toys will line shelves...I can't wait to really start thrift shopping for Panda!

First prenatal appointment

2008-01-04T21:34:00.000-04:00

My first appointment was today!!!

The doctor was super nice, but unfortunately she won't be my primary doctor :/ I'll have one of five different docs every time I go in & one of those five will ultimately deliver my baby in August. I also think one of them will be the terrible doctor I had at the same clinic in 2006 when I went in for a PAP. I can only hope she isn't on call when I go into labour.

My due date is in fact August 10th! So I'm in my 9th week! The doctor said that everything looked great, internally I seem between 8 & 10 weeks along & everything is progressing nicely. She also that since I'm in my twenties, this is my first pregnancy & I haven't miscarried before & everything is looking good, the chances of having a miscarriage are very very slim. Of course it could still happen, but it was nice to hear. They got me to pee in a cup when I first got there & unfortunately, I had just gone before I left to go to the hospital...so yeah, I did my best which wasn't very good. Plus, TMI, there were these weird floaties in it...I have no clue what...maybe toilet paper....anyway, they got me to go get blood drawn [three vials, ouch!] & when I was waiting down there & nurse came over & said I needed to pee in a cup again because my doctor requested it. Luckily, my bladder had time to recover so I gave them a nice sample...still some odd floaties...but at least I stepped up to the plate ;)

I have some paper work to fill out & I have my next appointment in five weeks on February 8th! I think having appointment dates & something to look forward to is going to make time fly by!

Oh...& they used a handheld to check for a heartbeat but they couldn't find it. They said it was too early to find it with such a small, simple machine.

2007-12-14T21:33:00.000-04:00

Ugh. Morning sickness...make that ALL day sickness...is starting to set in. I haven't actually thrown-up yet [mind you I've only thrown up a few times in my whole life], but I feel it coming. For the past couple of days my stomach is constantly queasy, unless it's full & full means I have to eat every 15 minutes, which I refuse to do. My mom had such bad morning sickness when she was pregnant with me that she had to take medication for it & my sister's first clue she was pregnant was severe morning sickness...so it doesn't look for me. They say it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy, but lord, please do not let it be too bad. I do not want to spend most days staring at the bottom of the loo.

I'm still having mild period-type cramps. Some days I'll have little to no cramping, other days it's more steady. I'm a total worry wart by nature, so I'm overanalyzing every little thing...but also trying to stay positive & trying to take in & remember every little second of this adventure. It's hard to read of the miscarriages on the pregnancy forum I've joined. One couple tried to have a baby for 5 years, she finally got pregnant & lost the baby at 7 weeks :/ It really breaks my heart. So thinking positive & asking for thoughts & prayers is about all I can do. This baby is already so very loved, even though it's barely the size of a lentil, hehe.

We're really getting excited for Christmas eve! It just seems so close! Can't wait! I feel like I'm biting my tongue when it comes to family & friends, hehe.

2007-12-10T21:32:00.000-04:00

Today's been an okay day. I ate leftover pizza for breakfast AND lunch. Sick, hunh?! hehe ;) I've been feeling slightly nauseous when my stomach is empty & have been pretty gassy. Pregnancy is so attractive. I've also gained almost 2lbs in the last month. I swear the extra weight is partially in my boobs, partially in my tummy. I read online today that all preggo women should get a flu shot, so I called the clinic where I'll be going for my first appt. in January & they simply said they'd give it to me when I go in that day. I'm a little bummed, because what if I get the flu in the next month?! I know I'm probably overreacting, but we've waited so long for this that I just want to take every precaution.

I don't think I've been this excited for Christmas since I was a little kid! We just can't wait to tell our families that a little one is on the way & we plan to do it on Christmas Eve, at my in-law's annual party. My mother in-law LOVES Winnie The Pooh, so we bought an adorable Pooh outfit...a one piece with feet & a hood with Pooh's ears & face! We plan to give it to them, wrapped, in front of everyone...I'm sure they'll not quite "get it" for a second, but then once they clue in they'll be elated. I think they'll possibly even be more excited than we are ;) Patrick's dad has been asking for grandkids for years, hehe. I'll also be making my grandmother a great grandma for the first time! Only 2 weeks until we can finally share the good news! eeek!

The only sad thing about this entire thing, is the fact that I don't have a good relationship with my mother OR my father. I don't know how to handle is where they're concerned. I'll probably call my father just to tell him the news, but don't expect much of a reaction. As for my mother, it's sad to say, but I'm not sure I'm even going to tell her myself...I'll def. be telling my little sisters, but as for my mother...I'm just not sure what I'm going to do yet.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-09T21:31:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it. After 16 months of trying, only about 12 of which counted, we finally did it. On November 29th I found out we're pregnant. Who knows why the road was so long for us, but I know it was full of lessons. Mainly of patience & perfect timing & that things all fall into place when you least expect it. It doesn't mean the struggle wasn't excruciating, filled with lots of tears & many a heartbreak when a test came up negative...but I truly believe it has only made this moment even sweeter. The next 8 months will be gone in the blink of an eye & we'll have a little one, a mixture of our love & looks, staring back at us. I'll savour every second of Panda growing inside me, but that moment, the one where I lay eyes on the creature I've been waiting for nearly my whole life, simply cannot come soon enough. We've nicknamed the baby Panda, because he/she was made by P and A...panda ;)

Although I'm not entirely sure how far along I am, using the LMP method I'm somewhere around 5 weeks along, with a due date between August 8th & August 10th. I'm probably more likely around 4 weeks along, but I won't really know until I have my first appointment in January & the doctor gets a more accurate idea of where I am, so until then, I'm sticking with 5 weeks :) My symptoms so far are: mild cramps & twinges, constantly hungry, sore boobies, periods of feeling light headed, some backache & fatigue. I'd only had very mild nausea a few days ago, but this morning when I smelled a smoke-ladened shirt Patrick wore out with friends last night...I almost gagged & the nausea hasn't gone away since.

Cover up.

2007-11-13T14:35:00.001-04:00

We had snow this weekend. SNOW!!! I'm not a fan of snow. Something happened when I turned 12 & snow was no longer cool. Therefore, winter is my least favorite season. We woke up to rain this morning though, which I can usually handle much better, except for the fact that a window in our living room seems to be leaking. ick.

I purchased a new duvet a few days ago [from PACIFIC COAST] & so I've been on the hunt for a new duvet cover. After spending quite a bit on the duvet & on other recent purchases, I wanted to pull back the reigns a bit & be a little more thrifty with this purchase. Seeing as a duvet cover gets lots of wear, gets washed often, will probably fade & shrink, I wasn't willing to spend a fortune but I still wanted something that fits our personalities & had style. I finally settled on the Andrea Kakel design from IKEA:

It's an older style, I think it's discontinued on the American site, but it's fresh, has a bit of a bohemian flare & isn't too white...which was something I wanted to stay away from. White looks super fresh & fluffy in the bedroom, but for us it's not very practical. I like the hint of white with the gorgeous orange. A lot of people don't dig orange, but it's actually one of my favorite colors. Ikea linens are surprisingly durable & you can't beat the price. I got the cover & two cases for under $30 CDN. Paired with our various colored pillow shams I think it's going to look great!

Besides the newly purchased duvet & cover, I'm waiting on a pair of UGGS to be delivered! My feet won't be toasty warm in a pair of KOOS, but new UGGS will certainly do!

Cold November.

2007-11-08T10:46:00.001-04:00

I am still in shock that it's November. Like a lot of people, I held onto my sandals & light cardigans for as long as I could. October hit & I slowly but cautiously made the transition to flats & trench coats. Now I'm being forced to wear sweaters & socks with my converse, of all things! Soon it will be full on scarves & boots :/ In honor of this brief time period before the mind-numbing cold sets in, here are three of my favorite chilly weather wear must-haves:

KOOS boots are the new UGGS. Designed by Lucas Long, these fashionable leather boots come in a huge variety of styles & shades. Unfortunately, they only seem to be available in Japan at this time. Maybe that's a good thing since my favorite style, The Veronique [in Beuk or Merlot], sells for around $250 USD.

I'm not a huge hat person. Well, I should say that my head is too huge to fit a hat properly. But I'd surely be a hat person if I could find one large enough to suit me. I do adore hats. I like the look & ability to cover a bad hair day & they're the perfect accessory for autumn when it always seems to get a bit more windy. The Lil Kim & the Eva, both from GOORIN BROS have a traditional feel with a bit more oomph. You can't beat a good quality hat when the price tag is under $40 USD!

Scarves can be a wonderful accessory. Maybe the warmth factor is an afterthought, but even if it's the main concern a scarf can be both toasty & tasteful. I myself can never have too many pairs of shoes, too many handbags or too many scarves. Half of my collection is comprised of neutral colors...either solids or muted patterns. While the other half is a bit more flashy, with punches of color. AUTO has some really gorgeous scarves. A bit on the pricey side, but perfect as a splurge item or to hint at for a Christmas gift. A good scarf can be a good investment if you choose a color or pattern that you really love & feel will withstand changing trends. An expensive item should always be wearable, durable, something that you'll use on a regular basis [or at least seasonally] & never trendy.

For my fellow Canucks: Until November 14th Sears has a special CLINIQUE offer...if you purchase $26.50 CAD worth of Clinique product you'll recieve a free Clinique samples set with autumn/winter themed items which includes...

♥ Aromatics Elixir
♥ Deep Comfort Body Butter
♥ 7 Day Scrub Rinse-Off Formula
♥ Long Last Lipstick in Sugared Maple
♥ Different Lipstick in Raspberry Glace
♥ High Impac Mascara in Black
♥ Dramatically Different Moisturising Lotion
♥ Sparkly Skin Body Exfoliating Cream
♥ LOULOU Magazine Subscription Card
[Get 60% off a full year of LOULOU magazine]

The Dramatically Different Moisturising Lotion is currently saving my face! Free sample items [& these are actually really decently sized] are definitely a boost in keeping the winter blues at bay.

Print Machine.

2007-11-07T13:48:00.001-04:00

We're in the wonderful midst of redecorating our living room. The walls have been painted, a new chair & sofa have been purchased, & I'm now in the process of deciding just what to hang on the walls. When I was a teenager I covered every square inch of wall space with pictures of my favorite teen heartthrobs. I'd like to believe my tastes are at least slightly more refined now, but who knows. Taste is so subjective. Figuring out what to put on our walls has always been an issue. Does everything have to match or should it be contrasting? What size pieces should go on what wall? Groupings or singular pieces? I'm fine with resituating furniture or organizing our knick knacks, but when it comes to the walls I'm pretty clueless. But even lacking the skills to properly decorate my walls, I still love a good print or piece of wall art. Here are my recent purchases, sure to spruce up our living space, no matter how imperfectly hung:

This reproduction of a British WWII poster is already hanging on walls all across the world. But no matter how popular it's gotten, I've always been tempted to buy my own. So I finally did. How can those words ever go out of style?

She's already somewhat famous amongst Etsy patrons, but it's taken me far too long to purchase once of ASHLEYG's darling prints. This one's called Lil Bandits & I just love the pop of yellow.

Last but not least, I stumbled upon this gig poster for one of my favorite bands, METRIC, & I just HAD to have it.

Beddy Buy.

2007-11-07T12:02:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite feelings is sliding into cold sheets in the middle of summer, or snuggling under the covers with a cup of hot chocolate during a heavy snowstorm. I'm in love with nice bedding, even if it's ridiculously out of my price range. That doesn't stop me from parousing the delicious styles splashed across my favorite online shops.

This gorgeous chinois green duvet cover from DWELL [$264 USD for queen], would look amazing in our bedroom. It's pattern seems modern, but still classic & fresh enough to last for years.

URBAN OUTFITTERS also have some beautiful duvets & bedspreads. The Sketchbook Floral duvet [$60 USD for queen] & the Swedish Rose bedspread [$19.99 USD] are equally stylish & won't break the bank.

I'm particularly picky if I fall in love with a light colored fabric, as signs of wear, tear & staining will be much more visible & I'll readily admit that I can be a drooler ;) If going the lighter route, I try to stick to something durable but more inexpensive. I doubt anyone wants to be taking their bedding to the cleaners every couple of months...& by choosing something less expensive it won't feel so costly when you undoubtedly feel like changing it up with new bedding in 6 months time.

Angst at arms length.

2007-11-06T18:04:00.002-04:00

In 1994 I was 15 years old, everything was seemingly complicated & I loved the show "My so-called life". For one hour a week I felt understood [if understanding could be emanated from a television screen]. A few years ago a DVD set of the series was released, but a black cloud hung overhead...folks that pre-ordered weren't receving the bonus items promised to them, some weren't receiving their orders at all...& then there was the little fact that not only did the packaging design suck, but there was no bonus material & the quality was pretty poor. Finally, after 13 years, a proper DVD set of the series was released this past October. New, shiny, pretty packaging. Loads of bonus material. Finally, the DVD release with all the bells & whistles that my favorite show truly deserves. & all is well with the world.

Old but new again.

2007-11-06T17:48:00.001-04:00

I already have a place for personal stuff on Live Journal & therefore my last forray into the blogosphere ended when I didn't make the effort to keep it going. But I thought it'd be fun to devote a blog to design, art, fashion & media. Basically all that frivolous stuff that shouldn't really matter, but totally does. Same blog name, different blog purpose.

Bare with me, as the look & feel is a work in progress :)